Couples Therapy

Relationships are like Dances

Often the problem in a challenging marriage is not in the content of what’s discussed as much as it is the process of communication.

Relationships are like dances: each partner gauges their partner’s movements, expressions, emotions, silent pauses, as well as their words. What a person says or how they say it is determined by how they perceive their message is being received by the other person. Loneliness, depression or argumentativeness can prevail over sharing tenderness and intimacy when spouses give up on being recognized by a partner who seems to be out of step or out of tune.

Communication is a partnered dance.  There are steps, sequences, turns, rhythms, and cooperative moves – most of them taking place out of awareness.  Couples imitate one another or move in contrasting ways, but every move they make, every word they speak must take into account the other person’s needs or they won’t be understood.  In fact, one person’s way of speaking shapes their spouse’s way of speaking; and vice versa. Sometimes experiences from the past or anticipated stress in the future causes a person to misconstrue their partner’s intent.

When interacting, one person sometimes (metaphorically) demonstrates the steps and hopes their partner can imitate.  Or the two people move together, doing the reciprocal steps required to keep step with their partner’s movements.  The first we call “mirroring.”  The second we call “reciprocal state sharing.”  “Contrasting” takes place when two people dance across from one another, to the beat of different drummers creating space for privacy while in each other’s presence.  A good marriage requires that partners be fluent in all these moves, which are not taught but can be learned.

In therapy couples learn to pay attention to one another’s gestural signals and their interactive style, while also attending to the content of problematic issues and techniques for resolving conflicts.  Partners learn to observe one another (and themselves) as well as to listen.  They discover that in order to understand one another, empathy is necessary.  Not surprisingly, with increased empathy comes more love and reciprocity.